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Hypnosis and Humor.
Have you heard the one about the dyslexic hypnotist who messed up his sessions? He kept putting his clients into a trench.
I once knew a hypnotherapist who used Time Lines for Past Life Regression – Until his client fell off the edge of the world.
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town’s people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting… “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor… “Shit” said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone.” The husband replies, “Well, that’s wonderful.” His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?” The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Wow! That was wonderful!” The husband says, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.” He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife.”
Q. Why did the math book go to the hypnotist? A. Because he had so many problems!
Q. How many hypnotists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change
A woman phoned a Hypnotherapist a few days after her depressed husband had seen him. “Excuse me phoning, but I am very worried about my husband. He can’t remember anything about his session with you. What did you do to him?” “I am sure there is nothing to worry about,” replied the hypnotherapist suavely, “It is quite normal to have amnesia for the hypnotic experience. Your husband was suffering from a mild endogenous depression and so I simply repeated to him in a trance that he would be `Better and Better Every Day, Better and Better in Every Way.’ It is an excellent technique. I can’t see that anything can go wrong. What exactly are you worried about?” “I see. Did you know he was a little deaf?” “Yes, but that has nothing to do with his depression.” “But I think it may have a lot to do with the new problem. Since you saw him he has lost a fortune BETTING: every day and in every way!”
A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by a doctor who had just completed his residency and was new to this hospital. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, slammed the door, and ran screaming down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. Slowly catching her breath, she told him. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room. The older doctor then stomped down the hall to the examination room and demanded, “What’s the matter with you, Doctor? Mrs. Bloggs is 73 years old. She has six grown children and eleven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, replied “Does she still have the hiccups?”
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?” “Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work – I was hostile. If I was early – I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time – I was compulsive
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of getting up his courage, he goes over to her and tentatively asks, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”
A man visited a psychiatrist because he felt he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist probed, queried, puzzled and dialogued, but didn’t seem to be getting any closer to a clear picture of the problem. Finally, on a long shot, he asked, “Do you watch your wife’s face while you’re having sex?” “Sometimes. Well, once,” the man replied. “Only once? Do you remember what she looked like at the time?” “Actually, she looked… well, angry. It’s hard to talk about.” At this the psychiatrist felt that he was finally getting somewhere. He said, “I’m glad you’re beginning to open up. I understand that this must be difficult for you, but if you really want to get better we must amplify the details of this incident. Now tell me, you say that you have only looked into your wife’s face once during sex, and that she looked angry. I know it’s painful, but try to reconstruct the incident in your mind. Good. So what were the precise circumstances during which you saw her angry face that time you were having sex?” “She was watching us through the window